19th January 2022

On occasion I am inclined to wonder if my self-imposed singularity benefit or dastardly loss. ‘Tis true I do miss enormously having someone readily available to share a bar of chocolate, or to scratch my peskily itching back in those annoyingly unreachable places that exist only when I am retire alone. But physical easement or a lack of dining partners is hardly a suitable reason for a choice of lifestyle, whatever the popular tropes might be inclined to suggest. Lifestyle should be far more important than a simple choice of relationship or sexual preference, mere reflexive matters in my opinion, one a cure for the occasional blues, both a means of alleviating a most irritating compulsion, both but illusory sensory perspectives.

I recall far quite clearly moments when if partnered I longed for singularity, most admittedly due to mine own inadequacies or inappropriate wants, the reverse are far more unobvious, perhaps no existent. My ideals are too obviously indulgent to be considered conducive, and so like some fanciful orchid I exist in solitary splendor.

18th January 2022

On your marks, get set, go!.

The preparation, the journey to the point of departure, the physical and spiritual effort required to reach the starting line, the sacrifices needed, these is wholly describable, debatable, apparent. The release, that moment of fulfillment, when all the planning, waiting, expectation, suddenly explodes into delivery, an unloosening, requiring a positive activity, purpose, movement, an uncoiling, can be quantified.

Getting set, is a most alien situation, physically tumultuous, psychologically jittering, presenting an indescribable cessation of movement, lasting an indefinite time. Present but hovering, pulsating in the blocks, a position most unnatural and uncomfortable. To be set literally means to be fixated, ready but inanimate, perched, uncomfortably even painfully leant, a growing knot of compressed energy.

Waiting is ever a most trying situation for the human, we are not designed for patience, our grabby hands and flitting eyes are made for immediate reaction, expeditious but not necessarily well measured. We are genetically armed to diagnose patterns, understand how unrelated issues will lead to unobvious, but predictable consequences, then respond to the resulting happenstances, shifting with the repercussions, balanced athletically, with ease or difficulty, upon the moving platform, overcoming every presented quandary. But do note it is the anticipation that challenges us most blatantly, each repetitive time.

Being on hold, that interminable period between ready and go, is the ultimate physical and emotional test continually set us every day, amidst every proposition, between any action and effect, infected the silence precursing a thunderclap, the interminable gap betwixt trip and the resultant painful landing, any unexplainable suspension in time and space, fates that we endure but cannot elucidate.

Steadfastness can be unbearably painful, for it is beyond control physically, emotionally. We are victims of kismet, perplexed, unfounded, disturbingly wholly suspended.

17th January 2022

Have you ever noticed the worlds obsession with turning individuals into extreme caricatures of themselves? Not enough for someone to be adequate, viable, acceptable, middle of the road. No, by necessity they need to be superb, the best, the greatest, or alternatively, for we must be upfront and equal in all our fantasies, terrible, the worst, the least, extraordinary in their all capabilities and capacities, a planet populated by super heroes and super villains.

I enjoy the Marvel universe as much as the next soul, equally reveling in day dreams where delightfully perfect individuals, both wonderous and abominable, exist in actuality, not just as creations upon the comic book page or the animated or real-life theatric screen. Such fancies are a base element in childhood and pre adolescence, highlighting traits needed, in less vivacity obviously, for the human beast to be purposeful.

Adulthood marks the phase such teaching tools are successfully set aside, supposedly, an adjustment modern humanity has decided to delay unreservedly.

16th January 2022

Ripples upon a mill pond are immediately noticeable, interrupting the still surface with all manner of effects, always resulting from some objects interference. The human beast is a creatures of habit, defined behaviors, with a life that through regular patterns has become predictable, comfortable, relaxing. Disturbances are unsettling, meddlesome, forcing unwanted change, making the simplest of tasks worrisome, time and effort consuming, replacing predictability with discomfort.  Mere repetition of automatic activity being forcibly converted to an intellectual and physical challenge.

Civilization is a dangerous influence, it creates contentment, affluence, a feeling of well-being, an end to struggle and strife. Rather introducing a life of ease, comparative prosperity, removing the fears of imminent destruction, that the shadow of mortality is following close upon our heels.

When the worm turned we were unprepared, victims loosened in a garden of peril. Three years confined and we begin to emerge, transmuted, reacquainted with survival.

15th January 2022

The magic of anniversaries is that while they clearly mark the passage of time, sometimes they simply indicate that nothing ever really changes. I feel like I have spent the last twelve months in a goldfish bowl looking out through the welcomed safety glass, acknowledging events as they pass along but removed from their true experience or effect. All of us have shared this incongruity, unholy state of singularity, enforced, undesired, oft destructive conditioning.

Effectively all events, happenstances, have become particularly vital, memorable, imprinted upon our genes indelibly, to coerce the foundations of all beliefs and pursuits. The taste of every moment lingers unwholesomely, to be chewed in constancy till nothing should remain, yet the flavor continues to taint, maligning present and future, shaping what had seemed the preamble to constructive accomplishment into quite disappointing and increasingly twisted castings.

The next year will be a revelation, either in uniqueness or banal continuance.

14th January 2022

I find the manner in which people react to events illuminating, informative, interesting. In truth if I said plainly ‘entertaining’ I would be more honest, for an observer in any circumstances can be described quite correctly as being intrigued, involved, absorbed by any theatrical production, which play, movie, manuscript, narrative, or just plain old reality most decidedly is.

That do seem a little harsh, but in truth life is quite exactly performance, and we gratefully indulge the emotions inspired by others public drama carpingly, scathingly, for judicious we undoubted are in all circumstances, ardently intrigued, whether with condemnation, neutrality, or support, sometimes fully, but more often distractedly, one eye fixated, the other flitting hither and thither quite randomly.

The practice of being intrusive, inquisitive, is a wholly human behavior, can be perceived as empathic if supportive, not obviously tainted by ghoulishness or gawking. Remember we are inclined to be fixated upon circumstances that engage our disapproval, invariably articulating such instances with overly great passion.

Certain emotions, feelings, do not read or sound well when presented in the public arena, are best not shared in detail, rather kept to simplistic almost trite expressions, heavy in significance but light in detail. More that a glimpse of an emotion or consideration is overly expressive, risks the appearance of insincerity, disingenuousness, suggesting ulterior motivations originating from some degree of duplicity, perhaps even self-service. Crocodile tears, par exemple, is a perfect metaphoric paradigm, a zoological misnomer entirely presently utilized to describe the human weakness for showing over theatric expressiveness when demonstrating sympathy or loss.

‘Twas a time, not so far gone, that employing professional grievers to weep and wail upon sad occasions was considered entirely proper, as such behaviors performed by the more gentile of persons was considered quite inappropriate. Such daintiness no longer applies, and an extravagant display of affliction is quite acceptable if not expected.

13th January 2022

I am a little angry, agitated, aggrieved. Wanting to comment upon a matter so delicate that my words would undoubtably rend the fragile fabric dividing civility from disquiet. To many a souls surprise I prefer to not be antagonistic, to prod those already in pain, sprinkle salt on a snails tail, my reactions are generally to swallow my thoughts and considerations before they escape like robust vultures, to pick the bones of unwary vocabulary left quite helpless on the curbside of unpropitious discussion.

Unfortunately, my less that suited persuasions do not dissipate, rather they are inclined to grow in voraciousness, consuming volumes of time and space in the quite pointless pursuit of clarity. For even quite well-rounded disagreeable statements are wholly unsavory to those of a delicate or easily discombobulated nature.

And so I compress the growing flow into a small inauspicious space, quite aware that the consequentially massing of perturbation will taint all other discourse by simple   proximity, and my blatantly unhealthy fixation.

12th January 2022

But a moment ago I was attempting to place a small comment upon a well-known social media site when I came upon a most galling situation. Quite irritatingly one of the references I was inclined to use, a name involved in current but foreign political and legal happenstances was quite impossible to include in the post, has effectively been removed from the lexicon, by some form of what I can only imagine was proactive censorship.

“This cannot stand,” was my immediate reaction, so I diligently went through every procedure I could imagine might alleviate the unfortunate circumstances. Nothing obliged. Doth seem my words were truly being redacted live as I typed live upon the app.

I eventually managed to circumvent the stop by amending my phraseology, making candid use of the problematic surname less necessary, but my chagrin was overflowing, my ire raised to boiling point. I seldom am obliged to witness the machinations of ‘Big Brother’, but that lack of interaction does not reduce my present irritation one jot.

11th January 2022

I am particularly inclined towards verbal pedantism, although my reason for the trait is not the most obvious, in fact quite the opposite. By nature I am inclined to be a smart ass, enjoying witticism, frippery, sarcasm, irony, punning, as much as is possible to imagine. Without exactitudes all those amusing but incredibly annoying arts come to absolutely nothing, ending as pointless asides thrown careless to the four winds with no actual craft whatsoever.

My mind conjures suitable responses, interjections, much more easily than proper replies or suitable rejoins, ‘tis just the way my specific brand of obtuse reasoning is wired, with an unusual, you might say inappropriate level of foolery plastered atop all other appurtenant returns. Some find the habit most annoying, mocking, insidiously patronizing, but no malice is particularly intended, indeed hurt is generally regretted and irritation lamented.

Too much pantomime at an impressionable age is my prime excuse, and a deep love of the intricacies and absurdities of language.

10th January 2022

Tragic and heartrending news this morning, the teenage son of one of my heroines has died wholly unexpectedly, and most lamentably by the action of their own hand. They do say that misery and sadness are rivers that flows down through families with the violence of a flooding Nile or Zambesi, reeking destructive force upon whatever and whoever they touch. I have always considered it doubly unfair that the sins and faults of the parents are laid so easily upon the shoulders of the offspring, wheedling most furtively into their impressionable hearts and souls before suitable protections can be set in place. Yet such appears to be the eternal case and curse.

Any of us who have truly lived and reached an age sufficient to harbor the fleet of   regrets and recriminations existence is inclined to heinously maintain within our protecting walls, must regret some of the activities that begat and thrawn those vessels. But living was always the purpose, not safety and sureness of passage, such considerations exist in hindsight, not the momentary..