7th October 2022

I have never found that my fears originate from being frightened per se, but rather from the emotion of utter helpless, being unable to influence or lessen in any way the circumstances that so insistently threaten. With hindsight and the narrative of personal experience ‘tis all about control, the existence of or lack of power over events, situations, menaces, intimidations, dominating forces.

Turning a brave face to pain or discomfort is considerably easier than ignoring helplessness, being defenseless, at the mercy of abstraction, in the hands of providence, needing protection, reimbursement for deeds or services rendered, being owed, worthy of recompense. Perhaps the essence of inner power is a feeling of worth, having earned some level of retribution, having a stock of good fortune in the bank, in reserve.

My life has ways been on the edge, reaching out for the coin just out of reach, the greener grass just over the hill, the better circumstances just beyond this pleasant but not perfect scenario. Satisfaction so not one of my naturally reoccurring states.

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