Ambivalence, the latest word I have coined to describe my ongoing persuasion. A feeling of very mixed emotions, neither joyful nor sad, looking eagerly forward with bated breath and yet decidedly tentative about the outcome any future circumstances might provide. I do not think my emotional state is in any way unusual, I sense that the majority of the world has the very same sense of trepidation marring their way to unfettered positivity.
We all have teetered upon the abyss, and whilst maybe being amongst the fortunate who managed through good intents to stay beyond the grip of the great Satan COVID, are discovering that many others have still to take the necessary measures to ensure the present pandemics long-term annihilation.
In the same period we survived the unprecedented rise of homegrown dictatorship and barely managed to push such a self-indulgent political view aside through good democratic practice find ourselves still trapped in a system almost half controlled by bigotry, divisiveness, falsehoods, by aged males whose ideologies should have been washed far away, long ago.
Vacillation is inclined to stem from detachment, a sense of not caring about the final outcome of a thing, or at minimum a loss of the belief in the ability of that individual opinion to cause change. That bringing pressure to bear will ever alter direction, constant struggle can possibly lead to reconsiderations. Evil will not magically dissolve and dissipate no matter how much direct light is cast upon the wrong doing.
If by some miracle of social science a medicinal vaccine existed that would erase the destructive effects of usury, cruelty, selfishness, racism, elitism, bigotry, it is highly unlikely that such a concoction would be partaken by sufficient individuals to make a noticeably alteration in societal attitudes. Line upon line of eager users will not willingly queue up for the slight prick of fellowships needle.
Ambivalence is indicative of humanity, the need to distance from a system desperately unwilling to face realignment even though perceived reality is changing piecemeal.