27th May 2021

Falling under the spell of love had never been a satisfying experience for me, bringing a few moments of intense joy, utter absorption, momentarily fulfilling all the words and expressions so casually bandied about in romance novels, yet eternally ending with sufficient pain and disappointment to inflict ugly scarification upon my soul, denying eternally any hopes of rejuvenation. The circumstances were unquestionably ever my own fault, caused by my totally unjustified dissatisfaction with those relationships good fortune would consistently supply, a deep and irresistible addiction for search out a higher state of extasy, the intense immersion of body and mind, perfectly unbearable euphoria, complete unadulterated rapture, religious fanaticism at its most destructive.

I awoke this morning aching with yearning for one such ideal, Stephanie, an enchantress who captured my substance an eon ago, caused me unhesitatingly to discard all that life had gifted me most generously, in that vain hope that consummate physical and emotional love can overcome any obstacles firmly ensconced in opposition. Quite predictably the great illusion failed dismally against to meet the challenge, biblical misery and devastation followed with multitudinous gnashing teeth..  

By coincidence, or more likely through divine intercession, this morn of reawakened passions is the anniversary of the birthday of another of my few indisputable soul mates, the beauteous Susan, whom exists as close to my heart core as any partner ever could and bestowed me a gift beyond measure. The fracture of the relationship was totally upon me. Fear, self-doubt, lack of commitment, paltry excuses for me squandering perfection.

Life has been good to me. Provided a living, surprisingly consistent comfort, the occasional opportunity to practice consideration, kindness, charity, the full gambit of human responsibility. My only deep regret is my loss of love, the inability to experience, over a full measure of time, the wonder of real human companionship in all its glory. My occasional waking dreams attempt most considerately  to compensate my most grievous fault.

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