If my self-appointed isolationism has taught me anything it is that you cannot distance yourself from the people, incidents, and events that caused pain. For through the causal effect of pain the individuals psyche is forever changed beyond restoration.
There is no escaping memory either in imagination or dream, bad experiences and good experiences alike will remain forever, that is the very nature of the beast.
My acceptance of an almost monastic existence does not specifically bring my spirit any closer to the clarity, or necessarily improve my understanding of the universe or its creation, rather it simply enables me to accept the truth of singularity with stoic sufferance.
I have oft dreamed of a world where I could live surrounded by friends, acquaintances, lovers, people who in one way or another have molded me into the individual I have become. Of course that particular pipe dream is simply impossible, time and circumstance never allow such harmoniousness to exist in reality. I am left to accept nothing more than my mind palace, rich with the spirits of those persons I have and do so thoroughly cherish and who’s edicts I am ever inclined to follow.
I have no wish and have never had a wish to compress or compromise my feelings or expectations to facilitate another. That is in hindsight an error, compromise is without doubt the foundation of a well centered relationship, indeed a well-founded society. Whether mine acceptance of subordination to others might have changed one iota of circumstance is of course moot, however I do admit to the occasional regret and tear that not one intimation to do so was ever offered or requested.
We all awake each new morning to a crisis of conscience, the very same consideration that many years ago drove me to leave all I held dear to abide upon this singular isle. If man is forged then he is forged upon an anvil of woe, shaped by the heavy hammer blows of misfortune and misstep. Distancing oneself from the foundry should be neither surrender nor retreat, simply survival, avoidance of the irreversible results of continual uncontrolled exposure to unprecedented heat and lethal conflagration.
One thought on “29th October 2020”
I would love more conversation dear sir, and I thank you for instigating thoughtful discourse. Please call me when you might come and I might have prepared something for you. You now know Delilah, and she seems rather attracted.
Dinner time tears me away as I have dogs and a man to feed, a fire to prepare and we relax. I fall short of conversation.
Nice to see you my friend.
Juls and John says hello