2nd April 2020

There will be amongst my patience readers a rew who will be surprised by my sudden switch from the quasi moralistic and philosophic to the retelling if not rebranding of supposed fantasy children’s stories. In actuality this is not at all bizarre or even mysterious but follows my particular liking for the allegorical, the vaguely familiar, the subtle aiding growing assimilation, literary license exposing and highlighting realities darker overtones. Much as de Sade vividly colors mankind’s weakness for condemnation and depravity, so the likes of Lewis Carroll cleverly illustrate the parted gossamer veil betwixt sanity and insanity with garish clarity.

The Tweedle twins were undoubtably crazy, sprung from the loins of an insidious relationship betwixt the mightiest in the land and his spouse’s sister they possessed neither rhyme nor reason to any noticeable degree. Dum was the elder by a bare thirty seconds, just sufficient time for the midwife to drop him plumb on the crown of his head, an action she was, in the pursuit of equilibrium, to repeat but a few moments later with Dee being the recipient.

Both boys grew up well rounded, in shape not personality, and cantankerous to such a degree that their sire might well have been Sancho Panza’s disagreeable charger rather than a sovereign. Their education was largely based around the castle kitchens, particularly the baking pantry, a spot their mother was oft inclined to hide to be safe from the homicidal designs of her sister. This haven of sanctuary would of course eventually lose any viability once the Queens firstborn took it into his otherwise empty head to eat or purloin all of the strawberry tartlets secured there warm and lusciously sticky in a perpetual state of readiness for tea. This wholly ridiculous backstory was a mystery to Alice as she approached the virtually identical but wholly improbably fraternal pairing.

“Hello.”

The greeting was necessarily terse, Alice had little or even less to say. Both Tweedledee and Tweedledum made a valiant effort to ignore the unknown and unremarkable intruder entirely. They were remarkably accomplished in this design multiplying Alices already rising ire exponentially.

“How rude!”

Having been cut quite so magnificently Alice, whose anger issues are never to be doubted decides to verbally barrage these bilious chaps with heavy gauge ammunition.

“The minimum you could do would be to doff your caps!”

The bit decidedly between her very pristine incisors Alice continued the assault with gusto.

“I thought that Hatter was rude, but you two take the cake!”

“Wasn’t me, twas him!”

Tweedledee’s riposte was just a smidgeon confusing.

“Wasn’t you who what?”

“Took the cake of course. Don’t think you can catch a smart chap like me with your cunning legal beagles.”

This pleading might have proved a little more acceptable but for the large smear of chocolate icing adhering to the tip of Tweedledee’s nose.

“Wasn’t me either!”

Tweedledum, never one to be left holding the biscuit, or toast, or in this instant cake decided to jump feet first into the general misconception.

“I clearly heard you say ‘Oh yes you did’ but a few moments ago.”

“Greenwich mean moments or Wonderland courteous ones? Makes a whole heap of difference, or so Father William assured me…..”

As if in some way to validate his point Tweedledee made a rather splendid attempt at standing on his head. Unfortunately the cap he had failed to doff previously now decided to slide vigorously westward with a vengeance leaving the poor chap nowhere to retreat but downwards in a heap.

“Are you quite alright?”

The concern in Miss Liddell’s voice was all too easy to read and for Dum, a chap whose perchance for jealousy was second to none, all too easy to bate.

He’s such a drama queen! Do anything for attention.”

As if to highlight his conclusion the elder of the Tweedle boys began to kick more dust onto Dee’s already dirt strewn visage, causing the poor dear to cough quite alarmingly.

“Do be a little kind to your brother, sir. Such cruelty is quite deranged.”

Alice’s mistake was of course to assume that the laws of normal polite society had any relation to the practices in this strange world beyond the rabbit hole. Any careful consideration would most definitely have proven that the elastic keeping usual and unusual in some sort of proximity had stretched well beyond the point of snapping.

“DERANGED?”

The glint in Dum’s eye was unquestionably threatening.

“My heroine…”

Dee had somehow managed to regain a vertical base and was now ogling Alice with the stare of a very emotional and overly cream filled Holstein Friesian.

“Bah humbug,”

Dum’s response was a torch to the tinder of Dee’s sudden unrequited adoration.

“BATTLE!”

No sooner had the ‘E’ escaped Dee’s lips than both fellows descended with abandon on a pile of what Alice could only conclude were the relics of a kitchenware shops bankruptcy. Both the twins rapidly armored themselves with a variety of pots and pans, using tureen lids as breast and back plates, large silver platters as shields and somewhat dented soup tureens as helmets. For weapons they grasped large roughhewn wooden swords, capable of inflicting a nasty splinter if not carefully wielded.

“BATTLE!”

Dum answered the challenge whilst enthusiastically whacking his shield platter and scimitar together.

One thought on “2nd April 2020

  1. Ill be stopping by for a copy of Alice if you have one on hand. You can just throw it at me or something. I bet it the answers I need to get out of my own little wonderland. Lots lof love my dear Trevor.

    Like

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